Does Individuality Have a Dark Side?

Search for “personal branding” or “self-distinction” and you will be overwhelmed with books, tips, and tools to define The Brand of You. There is a deluge of resources for how to promote your ideas, get noticed by bosses, exploit your unique strengths, identify your originality, and how to stick out online, at networking events, or during an interview process. While a glut of these resources are yawners, books like Stand Out and Originals offer practical and insightful thinking about the genuine importance of making sure you optimize the unique contributions only you can make. 

But is there a cost to our obsession with being originals and outliers? Does there come a point where such obsessive focus on “me” and how different I need to be from “you” goes too far? 

Perhaps we are swinging the pendulum back from decades of focus on collaboration and teamwork. A recent study found that “the distribution of collaborative work is often extremely lopsided. In most cases, 20-35% of value added collaborations come from only 3-5% of employees.” This leaves employees little time for the tasks they are individually responsible for and can result in burn-out. In a similar study cited in the same HBR article, University of Iowa’s Ning Li found, “A single ‘extra-miler’ – an employee who frequently contributes beyond the scope of his or her role – can drive team performance more than all the other members combined.” 

Clearly we’ve not learned to optimize what it means to combine our efforts with others to get us the true promise of teamwork – the synergy of 1+1=3. But does that mean, especially in an increasingly competitive talent world where distinguishing our contributions is how we advance, we have to regress to hyper-individuality? A balance is needed, and it’s apparent we’ve not found it. Even Google, in its search for what makes the perfect team, discovered that exceptionally bright individuals did not make for a strong team

Striking a cosmic balance between “me” and “we” shouldn’t come at the cost of either. So, as we pursue the noble work of setting ourselves apart from others, celebrating our signature distinctions and hoping others notice, here are things to watch out for. Ask these questions to ensure your “me” doesn’t trample on someone else’s, or worse, cripple the “we” between you. 

  1. To amplify your uniqueness, are you having to diminish someone else’s? It’s wonderful to be able to name what makes us distinct human beings with gifts that bear our one-of-a-kind fingerprint; but when we do so in comparison to others, we tread on a slippery slope. When asked by their leader during a process of selecting a leader for a choice project, “Tell me how you are different than Angela with regard to how you would lead this team,” Jennifer almost took the bait. Assuming her leader wanted her to extol her own merits and how she was more qualified than Angela, she flipped the question on its head. Instead, she pointed out strengths Angela had that she didn’t. Sadly, it cost her the assignment, but it didn’t cost her sense of integrity. She and Angela were friends. To the hiring manager, it was a sign of low confidence, and though she was likely more qualified, she was happy for her friend. She said to me, “Sure, I wanted the assignment, but I wasn’t going to bad-mouth my friend to get it.” Be wary of making comparisons to others in order to further separate out your distinctions. If they are truly distinguishing, they shouldn’t need to be held up in comparison to others.

  2. Are you being honest about your differences? Plenty of research reveals that we have over-inflated senses of our abilities. In situations where we are being evaluated or feeling judged, we further overcompensate for our insecurity by magnifying the truth of what we are good at, what we’ve accomplished, and why we’re better. No opportunity to stand out is worth exaggerating the truth. What is also true is that by exaggerating you are setting yourself up to fail when you are later discovered not to be all you cracked yourself up to be. When discussing or displaying your distinctions for others’ benefit or evaluation, temper your language. Own the limitations of even your greatest strengths. The honesty – and accompanying humility – won’t get lost on those you are addressing. 

  3. Is your personal brand at risk of pigeonholing you later? Wanting to establish yourself as an expert or “go to” person on a particular subject or capability is all well and good, but consider the longer term consequences of actually succeeding. Are you sure you are going to want to be known for this at the expense of being seen in other ways? One client of ours was so renowned in her organization for her amazing data analytics capability that people far outside her own department were calling her for input on everything from employee survey data to consumer insights to financial trends. She later lamented, “For awhile it felt great to be pursued and seen as an expert, and I like being good at something others need; but it’s not the only thing I’m good at.” Most of us do not enjoy being one-trick ponies. What if she desired to leap into a team management position? Or transition to a customer-facing role? The “personal brand” that helped her stand out may later become an impediment to doing so.

  4. Have you become self-absorbed with your uniqueness? It’s possible to expend so much effort on differentiating yourself that eventually your distinction is all you see. How much time do you spend thinking about how others are perceiving you? Has the way you distinguish from everyone else becomes the overbuilt lens through which you see the world? If you are honest, and you find the importance of your standing out in the crowd has consumed more attention than it should, be aware that others could well be noticing your self-absorption about your desire to stick out more than they are noticing the distinguishing features you worked so hard to hone. Balance your focus on you with investment in key relationships in which you are helping others distinguish themselves. Intentionally spend time affirming others for their uniqueness and accentuate your attention on enjoying those. 

Finally, don’t lose the enjoyment of being ordinary. While it’s nice to stand out from others, it can be equally enjoyable to blend in, too. Don’t lose sight of the joy of belonging to a community of relationships where everyone feeling equal is honored. That isn’t to say you must hide your distinctions or neglect your originality, but always leading with them may do less to make you distinct and more to make you feel alone.

By all means, discover, develop, and distinguish for the world those things that make you “You.” Enjoy the beauty and worth of being a unique individual; but don’t do so at the expense of the distinction of others, or for the enjoyment of being part of “we.” “Me” and “we” are an important balance to strike, and both do much better when one doesn’t outshine the other. 

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Ron Carucci

Ron has a thirty-year track record helping executives tackle challenges of strategy, organization, and leadership — from start-ups to Fortune 10s, non-profits to heads-of-state, turn-arounds to new markets and strategies, overhauling leadership and culture to re-designing for growth.

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