Anchored in Times of Change

I left home at nineteen to live in a foreign country. And, despite my preparations by learning the language, reading about and getting to know natives from that culture, I was initially overwhelmed, and even immobilized. I was limited by my personal inability to communicate and by my impulse to critique and compare the customs and circumstances of daily life in my new surroundings to home. Despite my scholarly preparations, I was not as ready as I thought I was.

It is a cosmic reality that our lives unfold continuously and despite our efforts to prepare – best or half-hearted – we control only a fraction of what actually happens. It is also true that each of us is at a different level of readiness to handle the unexpected change ups that come our way. 

So, I watched with a mix of fascination and legitimate concern, the varied reactions over the results of the recent election and impending Trump presidency. It is clear that most liberals, and a large majority of our rising generations, had not considered the possibility of a Trump victory. Their lack of preparation for the eventual outcome was shown in their emotive “cry ins” and protests (some peaceful and others unnecessarily destructive). When things didn’t go their way, they were not prepared emotionally for what that meant for them.

Circumstances and results are not always as we hope them to be. We don’t always get what we want. And, now with more road behind me than ahead, I recognize that so much of what happens in life we are, at best, only marginally prepared for – even for matters of impact weightier than national elections. In my nearly six decades of life, I’ve had my share of unanticipated, and rock-my-world experiences, so I can empathize with overwhelming feelings of fear, uncertainty, doubt, and strong impulses to lash out when life seems to conspire against my expectations and best efforts.

After returning home from my foreign experience, and after several years of dating, marriage seemed like the logical next step. This was something I wanted and something I felt I would be good at. I had a pattern to follow having watched my parent’s successful marriage and yet, there I was again, unprepared for the necessary adjustments and amount of work required to make it succeed. I realized then that my parents weren’t perfectly transparent and must have managed their differences behind the scenes. And, I know it was disconcerting to my wife to find me on occasion crying privately – wondering where the easiness of the relationship we had while dating had gone. This was a commitment to a relationship that demanded of me much more adjustments and change than I had ever experienced. Thirty- one years later, I am a better man because of it. 

Then there was the birth of the first two children, a third while in graduate school and the biggest surprise of a fifth child at a time while living far from home and during a particularly challenging career move. Each brought their own challenges and learning curve. Fast forward to 2013, and the sudden loss of my sister-in-law, seventeen years younger than me, to colon cancer (an old peoples’ disease) just after the birth of her third child. Devastatingly unfair.  Now, we’re making adjustments as our children leave home. Each departure is sweetly bitter and demands its own unique attention. It’s always something. And often we are under prepared.

Napoleon Hill, a 20^th century philosopher wrote: “Fear is the tool of a man-made devil. Self-confident faith in one’s self is both the man-made weapon which defeats this devil and the man-made tool which builds a triumphant life. And it is more than that. It is a link to the irresistible forces of the universe which stand behind a man who does not believe in failure and defeat as being anything but temporary experiences.” [i]  Over the years, as I have learned to lean into the fear, uncertainty and doubt (FUD factor) that comes with life change ups, I’ve learned to rely on a few anchors that provide my life with ballast and constancy as I navigate the unpredictable nature of change.

1. Clarify your Beliefs & Purpose: Remind yourself frequently of whomever or whatever you believe in that provides higher order and purpose to your life. You are not your job, you are not defined by a rejection letter, or a failed relationship. When faced with a life transition, revisit what you believe is important and how it will bring you the long-term fulfillment you desire. By anchoring yourself back to your core values and beliefs, it is easier to move through stressful situations with confidence in the unknown outcomes.
2. Exercise Self Control:  While you may not be able to control external forces, you do control your response. You are not helpless. You are not a victim. Remind yourself that you are an agent with the ability to act, and not just be acted upon.  Choose to anchor yourself to positive actions and activities that support strengthening your mental, emotional, and physical health. Stay away from addicting habits. Identify and channel your energies toward constructive actions with the potential to propel you through current circumstances.
3. Manage Relationships:  Reconnect with and anchor yourself to those who truly care about you. Cry, vent, sit quietly, and rest until you are still. Then, seek guidance from those who will tell you the truth, not simply agree with or tell you what you want to hear. Surround yourself with positive influences. This is often easier said than done, but when faced with a life-changing situation, it will make all the difference in how you learn to not only cope with, but face with courage and successfully move forward the realities of your new life.

Every life transition is an opportunity to grow. Adversity has the greatest potential to shape our perspective about life as we move through it. Bitterness and resentment stifle growth. Although it may be difficult in the thick of a crisis, keep a journal. Write your thoughts and feelings about the struggles and the triumphs. Reflect on it to understand more about how you view yourself and others, and more importantly to discover ways to improve, progress, and become confident in the “new normal.”     

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