The room went silent. My face was bright red and it felt like my heart had been replaced by a maniacal drummer. The only thing keeping me in my seat was the 50+ pairs of eyes staring at me. The conductor had silenced the orchestra, turned to me and asked, “How can you listen when you are talking?”
That simple question took less than five seconds to ask but for a conductor every second matters. Why did he break the rhythm of rehearsal? Because the collective sound of an orchestra requires everyone to be in sync and listening, and clearly I wasn’t. This was one of my most visceral radical candor moments. That simple question — “How can you listen when you are talking?” — shaped my listening style in a myriad of situations. I am grateful for that interaction, but wonder if I am willing to give the same candorous feedback.
When coaching leaders, I have reflected on the analogy of conductor and orchestra. To guide the group like a conductor, you must constantly provide clear and direct feedback. But it’s not always easy. How do you handle that one team member who is out of rhythm with the rest of the department? How do you challenge directly during times of discord? In our work we see leaders struggle with this mightily and so we turned to author Kim Scott (who we recently featured in our Virtual Summit), because she is an expert on how to give pointed, but caring feedback.
What is radical candor?
Kim says that “radical candor” is caring personally while challenging directly. The concept was launched in a talk by Kim Scott and then further defined in her book, Radical Candor. In the book, Kim identifies four quadrants that categorize the different approaches to feedback. Notice the axes – care personally and challenge directly. The sweet spot is to both care personally and challenge directly.
For example, my conductor had invested time in fostering my talents and building my confidence through his support. I knew he cared about me, which allowed me to see past my embarrassment and grasp the value of his feedback. This is radical candor.
Kim shares that the second-best option is obnoxious aggression, which still provides you with the necessary feedback, but lacks the caring. Those are the situations in which you know the person is giving valuable information, but you are so focused on your disdain for the person that you can dismiss the feedback. Ruinous empathy includes the people pleasers, overly caring but not willing to challenge directly. And manipulative insincerity is neither caring nor direct.
What preparation is required to provide radical candor?
Kim simplifies the process into three steps and then illuminates them further in the following quotes from the conversation. (Emphasis ours.)
#1 Solicit feedback and be self-aware
“I think one of the most important things to being a good leader through change is to be humble about what you do know and what you don’t know, and to listen to those around you.”
“Radical candor is about self-awareness first, and relational awareness second. But the place to start for self-awareness is to ask people what they think. None of us really is self-aware, we rely on each other for self-awareness. So start out by asking people, ‘What can I do, or stop doing, that would make it easier to work with me?’ “
“And then you’ve gotta just shut up for at least six seconds. Amazing what people will tell you if you can keep your mouth shut for six seconds. It’s a long time.”
“And then, last but not least, you have to reward the candor with the feedback. If you say thank you for the feedback, you’re never going get any more feedback. So if you agree with what was said, it’s pretty easy, you fix the problem. It’s harder when you disagree. If you disagree with the feedback, then your next step is to really take a few minutes and focus on what it was that was said that you can agree with. Almost nobody says something we 100% disagree with, so find that 5% area of agreement and focus in on that, talk to the person about that. And then say, “But for the rest of it, I need to think about it and get back to you.”
#2 Focus on the good stuff
“Even when things feel crazy and everybody’s stressed out, there are usually more good things than bad things happening. And even if it doesn’t seem like it, if you take a minute to look for those good things that people are doing, not in the feedback sandwich kind of sense of things, but in the I really want to let you all know what’s happening that I appreciate that is good. So focus on praise next.”
#3 Offer criticism
“Think about your story, what’s the time in your career where somebody pulled you aside, told you something, and it served you well for the next decade…what is your radical candor moment, and just go into this conversation in the spirit of I’m going to help this person, I’m going to be helpful, here’s where somebody helped me, and I’m going to offer the same thing to this person. And take a moment, when you start the conversation, to state your intention to be helpful. Use whatever… again, don’t choreograph it, don’t ask somebody else to tell you the words. I’ll give you a couple of examples, but don’t just use my words, you got to figure out how you can say it.”
“One thing that I find helpful to say is, ‘I want to tell you something, because if I were in your shoes, I’d want to know.’ Or, ‘Let me tell you about a time when I made the same mistake I just saw you make.’ Tell your own story. Figure out a way to indicate to the person that you’re on their side, and that’s why you’re telling them.”
How do you deliver the radically candid message?
Keep it quick and direct. Kim provides the 2-minute radical care recipe.
“When you offer criticism, the best way to do it is just in quick, impromptu, two-minute conversations. The nice thing about radical candor is that it’s really fast and it’s free. The bad thing about radical candor is it takes enormous emotional discipline.”
“So I really think the best thing you can do is be super clear, super quick, and then make yourself totally available to react. There is a time, as a leader, where the best thing you can do is not try to control things but be willing to react. It’s more like jazz than a classical symphony, I think, because it’s not a controlled environment.”
Radical candor combines caring personally and challenging directly in a clear and succinct message. It can be as quick as a few seconds, as in the case of my conductor, or a 2-minute feedback after a presentation. As Kim highlights, prep work is required in advance to establish that you care, and courage and discipline are required to make it a habit. But the rewards for both yourself as a leader and for those working with you are well worth the effort.