Great leaders (and even the not-so-great) pride themselves on being able to read the crowd; to know and manage the effect they have on others; to be able to take in critical cues about how others are reacting to them and modulate that effect.
But the reality is, many of us just aren’t that self-aware. Since many reactions are hidden or covered, we often miss the mark on knowing when we are provoking unintentional and undesired reactions in others. Even the best of us can be accidentally obnoxious or mistakenly mean.
Leaders who want to learn more about the impact of their behaviors rely on feedback from their team members. But because of the power dynamics in relationships that are amplified in organizations, the information they receive is not necessarily accurate.
This power has a tremendous effect on a leader’s ability to hear the truth. Executives become stilted and filter data even when they ask for direct and specific feedback. More often people don’t hear the truth but use selective listening for what they want to hear or send softened and weakened messages that allow them to continue with their present actions.
The sadder thing is they actually begin to believe that people have blessed their behavior. The question for leaders is, “How do you better tune in to the ways that your behavior provokes others and what can you do about it?”
Call-out/Tip
Multiple instruments, such as the Hay Group’s ESCI, provide data on your emotional and social intelligence, as well as your capacity to recognize your own and others’ feelings, motivate yourself, and manage emotions effectively. Availing yourself of this assessment or one like it can provide you with a great baseline of your impact (intended and otherwise) on others.
But in the meantime, or even in addition to the data, what can you do to make sure you provoke at the right time in a way that adds value?
Here are a few specific recommendations:
1. Carve out observational time
Find time to watch yourself in relationships. Mentally prepare to think more about what is going on around you than what your next statement will be. Be curious about the context around you.
2. Journal those interactions
Over a period of one month write down your own observations of yourself. After any significant interaction capture how people reacted to you:
- Specific words
- Nonverbal cues
- Responses
Use the month’s worth of data to explore patterns and discover what those patterns are telling you about you.
3. Get real visuals
With continued advancements in technology, the ability to “catch yourself on tape” is commonplace. Video yourself interacting with others in real-life team settings or in role-play interactions specifically designed to give you feedback. The playback won’t be Oscar-worthy but you will gain new insights.
Power dynamics are not just about hierarchy. Power comes from multiple things in organizations: position, expertise, coercion, rewards, and personal relationships to name a few. And even these power sources are impacted by gender, age, race, and other factors we may not even be cognizant of on a daily basis.
4. Put yourself into new feedback environments
It is difficult to remove yourself from existing power dynamics. Find a new “community” that connects you with others (volunteering, joining a club, signing up for a new assignment) and ask those new relationships for feedback.
The things you hear are less likely to be couched or controlled by pre-existing conditions in your relationship and may allow you to gain clarity about your impact in more familiar settings.
5. Know your audience
Even if you’ve assured yourself you aren’t doing anything to provoke, put yourself into the minds of those you interact with and think about what could be stilted or hurtful interactions from their standpoint.
Just because your comfort level with certain approaches, topics, and styles is high, don’t assume your audience feels the same way. Trying to explore where they are coming from may give you increased permission to ask for feedback in new ways that promote candidness and honesty.
6. Understand your own triggers
Much of the time any behavior that seems mean or inappropriate is because we ourselves have been threatened, either consciously or subconsciously. Knowing what triggers you to take a defensive position can prevent you from going into a corner and trying to (inadvertently) fight your way out.
We hope that the tips above help you better understand the impact of your behavior on others and how to deliver a keynote with a specific nonthreatening zinger to provoke a lighter mood. Or how to reorder the slides to provoke confidence from the board when presenting the ROI on a recent innovation investment. Or how to adapt your style to engender candor and possibility when you have a particularly challenging performance conversation.
You can do all of these without unintentionally provoking silence, hurt, or anger.